Post-traumatic stress disorder was the diagnosis of my doctor, after my voice failed without any physical cause. The reason for this was that I had to have sexual experiences with a “family friend” between the age of 7 and 10 and later experienced a sexually motivated attack by a stranger when I was about 10.
Of course I blamed these men for my depressions, inhibitions, anxieties, panic attacks, and inferiority complexes. I hated these men from the bottom of my heart.
I shunned my emotions for over 30 years, depending on the cause and depending on what negative feeling had come up in me (inferiority, helplessness, resignation, frustration, etc) with sweets, cigarettes, red wine, computer games, house cleaning, going shopping, All you can Eat, and even with food refusal.
My thoughts always played the same soundtracks: I’m not good enough, I'm worthless, if I function, then the others like me, the others are better than me. Life is dangerous. My thought carousel sometimes produced unbearable emotions, which I stunned with tons of cigarettes, wine and sweets.
For over 30 years, I tried everything to find a way out of my drama, which manifested itself physically during this period by permanent back and abdominal pain. To the outside I had created a perfect protection, because I always appeared to be very tough and confident.
After The Work found me in 2011, the dissolution of my basic beliefs with The Work was so multi-layered and so incredibly liberating, that my fears and panic attacks almost were dissolved as well.
After over 5 years with The Work and about 3000 hours of self experience, I live a completely new life. I am doing things that I would never have dreamt of, because I had been too afraid of them. I can relax ALONE on vacations, can tolerate the proximity of my partner, do not have to control myself or others, no longer have to be a door mat, and I am honest with myself and my friends. To give seminars and lectures is easy now, while 5 years ago I was absolutely sure I could never do that. I facilitate men with The Work. Mutual reconciliation with a sex offender was an absolute opening to freedom during my journey with The Work, which I would never (really never) have thought possible because I had so much hatred in me against perpetrators. And exactly this encounter has given me so much peace. All what I live today was total utopia 5 years ago!
To be able to speak out these things in public without being deeply shameful and feeling inferior, I owe to working with The Work alone and to myself, because the name The Work was the program I followed.