A son is hurt because he can't help or please his mother. "I want Mom to tell me that she loves me." "Mom should stop saying no." "I need her to enjoy something I give her." When he believes these thoughts, he is miserable. But when he questions them, he realizes that he doesn't need her to do or be anything.
0:00:00.000,0:00:05.000 Byron Katie: Okay. Who would like to do The Work? Good. Let’s do The Work. 0:00:05.000,0:00:08.000 Okay sweetie pie; let’s hear what you’ve written. 0:00:08.000,0:00:17.000 John: “I am frustrated with Mom because I can’t help her.” 0:00:17.000,0:00:23.000 “I can’t satisfy her. I can’t make her happy and I can’t please her.” 0:00:23.000,0:00:35.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So, continue to read. 0:00:35.000,0:00:46.000 John: “I want Mom to be happy, to love me, to appreciate me and what I do for her.” 0:00:46.000,0:00:56.000 “And to tell me that she loves what I give her.” 0:00:56.000,0:01:03.000 “Mom should show me how happy she is.” 0:01:03.000,0:01:08.000 “She should let me know what a joy I am.” 0:01:08.000,0:01:12.000 “Mom should stop saying ‘no.’” 0:01:12.000,0:01:24.000 And stop saying ‘I’m good’ and be accepting of my offers.” 0:01:24.000,0:01:36.000 “I need mom to love me, accept me, accept my offers for travel.” 0:01:36.000,0:01:45.000 I need her to enjoy something I give her; enjoy something I offer her.” 0:01:45.000,0:02:00.000 “Mom is resistant, reactive, negative, judgmental and narrow-minded.” 0:02:00.000,0:02:14.000 “I don’t ever want Mom to complain, be uncomfortable, be moody, get upset and throw a tantrum.” 0:02:14.000,0:02:18.000 Byron Katie: Wow. How many of you have these thoughts around your mom? 0:02:18.000,0:02:27.000 Oh my God. Oh, my hand was right up there. Yeah. Okay. Let’s start at “I want.” 0:02:27.000,0:02:30.000 John: I want mom to be happy. 0:02:30.000,0:02:31.000 Byron Katie: Is that true? 0:02:31.000,0:02:32.000 John: Yes. 0:02:32.000,0:02:43.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So let’s see, you want your mom to be happy. Is that really true? 0:02:43.000,0:02:49.000 Now notice how you react when you believe that thought. 0:02:49.000,0:02:53.000 John: I spend a lot of energy. 0:02:53.000,0:03:04.000 I try to think; find things that will make her happy and. . . 0:03:04.000,0:03:11.000 I test them out and nothing ever seems to really make her happy. 0:03:11.000,0:03:14.000 Byron Katie: And then how do you react when you think the thought: 0:03:14.000,0:03:22.000 “I want my mom to be happy and she’s not happy.” Describe what happens inside of you. 0:03:22.000,0:03:26.000 John: Oh my gosh. 0:03:26.000,0:03:40.000 I feel, everything sinks. I feel at that very moment that I’ve lost everything. 0:03:40.000,0:03:44.000 Byron Katie: And how do you treat your mother when you’re feeling that way? 0:03:44.000,0:03:47.000 John: I get angry with her. 0:03:47.000,0:03:49.000 Byron Katie: Umm-hmm. 0:03:49.000,0:03:51.000 John: I don’t like her. 0:03:51.000,0:03:54.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. So, you get angry, you don’t like her. 0:03:54.000,0:03:58.000 John: I turn; I don’t like her. I judge her. 0:03:58.000,0:04:12.000 Byron Katie: So, now just look at those situations where you’re offering her the trips, so you’re doing everything and she’s rejecting them. 0:04:12.000,0:04:25.000 Now, who would you be witnessing, witness her, without the thought: “I want my mother to be happy.” 0:04:25.000,0:04:29.000 John: I would love her. 0:04:29.000,0:04:42.000 I would not have any reason to be angry with her or dislike her or be frustrated with her or to judge her, or; 0:04:42.000,0:04:51.000 and I’ve had moments of this when I’ve stopped and I’ve seen it and had some clarity there and I would be that way. 0:04:51.000,0:04:58.000 I would be; I would feel connected to myself and the world. 0:04:58.000,0:05:06.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So, let’s on; let’s look at a situation where you’ve offered your mother a trip and she doesn’t want it. 0:05:06.000,0:05:13.000 Okay. So, “I want my mother to be happy” turned around, “I don’t want. . .” 0:05:13.000,0:05:15.000 John: “I don’t want my mom to be happy.” 0:05:15.000,0:05:22.000 Byron Katie: Okay. Now, do you see her just honestly saying she doesn’t want to go? 0:05:22.000,0:05:30.000 John: Yeah. She, she ignored my, my advance; she ignored my request to her, you know, at my invitation. 0:05:30.000,0:05:38.000 She ignored it for a long time and finally three weeks later I come around, something pops up online where it reminds me to ask her again. 0:05:38.000,0:05:43.000 and I did and this time she said, “I don’t want to go.” 0:05:43.000,0:05:45.000 Byron Katie: Is that over the phone? 0:05:45.000,0:05:46.000 John: Yeah. 0:05:46.000,0:05:56.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So imagine, without the thought “I want her to be happy,” her saying to you, “I don’t want to go.” 0:05:56.000,0:06:00.000 John: It makes sense. 0:06:00.000,0:06:09.000 Byron Katie: If I’m your mother and you offer me a trip and I don’t want to go, I have made me happy. 0:06:09.000,0:06:13.000 John: Right. 0:06:13.000,0:06:24.000 Byron Katie: I’m not going to fear your reaction to the point where I’ll go and be miserable; so I don’t have to experience your anger. 0:06:24.000,0:06:34.000 I’m happy not going. Thank you. You’ve made me happy by just hearing me. 0:06:34.000,0:06:37.000 John: Right. 0:06:37.000,0:06:42.000 Byron Katie: So, when I say, “You want your mother to be happy, is it true?” That’s quite a question. 0:06:42.000,0:06:53.000 “No, I don’t want my mother to be happy; I want her to go on this trip I’ve offered her and that’s about it.” 0:06:53.000,0:06:55.000 John: Right. 0:06:55.000,0:07:03.000 Byron Katie: “I don’t want her to be happy. I want to be the one responsible for her happiness.” 0:07:03.000,0:07:12.000 “She can’t just have it on her own. I did it. I made my mother happy.” 0:07:12.000,0:07:21.000 John: I brought her to California for her 70th birthday, which was this year, 0:07:21.000,0:07:27.000 and I noticed how 0:07:27.000,0:07:48.000 time after time of this attempt for her to be happy that very clearly that I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it 0:07:48.000,0:08:02.000 And I did; how did I react? I did become, every time, every little thing, just very frustrated. 0:08:02.000,0:08:08.000 And it’s her personality to always say how unhappy she is and … 0:08:08.000,0:08:14.000 Byron Katie: That makes her happy. 0:08:14.000,0:08:15.000 Yeah. 0:08:15.000,0:08:17.000 John: Hmm. 0:08:17.000,0:08:25.000 Byron Katie: But are you courageous enough to listen without thinking you have to fix it, mend it, take care of it? 0:08:25.000,0:08:37.000 Just hear her. You might: “unhappy, unhappy, unhappy and I just want someone to listen. That would make me happy.” 0:08:37.000,0:08:39.000 John: Yeah, I’m a little off course. 0:08:39.000,0:08:48.000 Byron Katie: I mean, sometimes that’s as happy as people could relate to. You know, we just want to be heard. 0:08:48.000,0:08:55.000 Takes a lot of courage to hear that; to hear a miserable person without trying to change them. 0:08:55.000,0:08:56.000 John: Yeah. 0:08:56.000,0:09:05.000 Byron Katie: Just to listen. There’s an amazing opportunity to connect there, but it takes; it does, it takes a lot of courage. 0:09:05.000,0:09:10.000 “I want her to be happy.” Turn it around. 0:09:10.000,0:09:11.000 John: “I want her to be unhappy.” 0:09:11.000,0:09:18.000 Byron Katie: Yes. Yes. Give me examples of that. We’ve already heard several. 0:09:18.000,0:09:23.000 John: Well, when she’s unhappy, she’s happy. You know, she’s unhappy then that’s the way she wants to be, right? 0:09:23.000,0:09:27.000 Byron Katie: Well, it’s the best she can do. 0:09:27.000,0:09:28.000 John: Right. 0:09:28.000,0:09:33.000 Byron Katie: Okay, so you be your mom be unhappy, unhappy, unhappy. Like one of those conservations, okay? 0:09:33.000,0:09:41.000 And I’m going to be you. I’m going to be a son that really wants her to be happy. Okay? 0:09:41.000,0:09:43.000 So, “Hi mom.” 0:09:43.000,0:09:49.000 John: “Hi John. What are you doing?” 0:09:49.000,0:09:56.000 Byron Katie: “Well, I have this trip. I have this trip that I’d like you to take.” 0:09:56.000,0:10:04.000 “It’s a gift. It’s a wonderful, wonderful thing. It will make you so happy.” 0:10:04.000,0:10:07.000 John: “I don’t know if I’m sure I want to do something like that.” 0:10:07.000,0:10:10.000 Byron Katie: “Hmmmmm.” 0:10:10.000,0:10:31.000 John: “As a matter of fact, I just took a trip with you and I don’t think I want to; I don’t want to do another one right now. I’m happy here.” 0:10:31.000,0:10:37.000 Byron Katie: “Well, you know, Mom, I was; I’ve been kind of looking at myself and I understand that.” 0:10:37.000,0:10:42.000 “And I, you know, I’m making some headway.” 0:10:42.000,0:10:50.000 “And I’d love it, if you change your mind, to let me know.” 0:10:50.000,0:10:59.000 “And as long as I’m able to offer you this trip, I’m going to do it. So, just know that’s available.” 0:10:59.000,0:11:01.000 John: “Thank you.” 0:11:01.000,0:11:12.000 Byron Katie: “You’re welcome. Is there anything that I could do, you know, within my means, to give you a happier life?” 0:11:12.000,0:11:18.000 John: “Wow! Can I think about that?” 0:11:18.000,0:11:20.000 Byron Katie: “Yes.” 0:11:20.000,0:11:21.000 John: “Okay.” 0:11:21.000,0:11:22.000 Byron Katie: “Yeah.” 0:11:22.000,0:11:23.000 John: “That’s very nice of you to say.” 0:11:23.000,0:11:26.000 Byron Katie: “Thank you. So, how’s your life?” 0:11:26.000,0:11:30.000 John: “Oh my goodness. It’s, oh goodness. It’s …” 0:11:30.000,0:11:34.000 Byron Katie: “Are you happy?” What would your mom say? 0:11:34.000,0:11:36.000 John: She’d say, “Yes.” 0:11:36.000,0:11:43.000 Byron Katie: Oh, then you got what you wanted. 0:11:43.000,0:11:50.000 You know we assume we want our mothers to be happy. We miss the fact that they probably are. 0:11:50.000,0:12:00.000 John: You know, I just get a lot of images now of how she is happy; 0:12:00.000,0:12:05.000 with her grandchildren, with my brother and cooking and doing things like that. 0:12:05.000,0:12:28.000 Byron Katie: Oh, well let me take her away from all that. 0:12:28.000,0:12:32.000 So, “I don’t want my mother to be happy” is starting to make sense? 0:12:32.000,0:12:33.000 John: Yeah. 0:12:33.000,0:12:34.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:12:34.000,0:12:36.000 John: Yeah. 0:12:36.000,0:12:39.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So, start at the top now. 0:12:39.000,0:12:45.000 John: Okay. “I’m frustrated with mom because I can’t help her.” 0:12:45.000,0:12:50.000 Byron Katie: So, your mother needs your help. Is that true? 0:12:50.000,0:12:51.000 John: No. 0:12:51.000,0:12:55.000 Byron Katie: And how do you react when you think the thought that: “She needs your help”? 0:12:55.000,0:13:05.000 John: I look for ways to help her. I look for ways to enlighten her. I look for ways to make her life easier for her. For her … 0:13:05.000,0:13:16.000 Byron Katie: Which is all really beautiful, unless it’s against her will. 0:13:16.000,0:13:18.000 John: I try to enlighten her. 0:13:18.000,0:13:19.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:13:19.000,0:13:21.000 John: Yeah. 0:13:21.000,0:13:27.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. That’s fairly egoic, wouldn’t you agree? 0:13:27.000,0:13:31.000 John: Yeah. Yes. Yes. 0:13:31.000,0:13:38.000 Byron Katie: It’s like: “How unenlightened of me to see you as less enlightened than me.” 0:13:38.000,0:13:42.000 John: Yeah. Yeah. 0:13:42.000,0:13:50.000 Byron Katie: So, who would you be without that thought: “My mother needs my help to be happy?” 0:13:50.000,0:13:53.000 John: Free. 0:13:53.000,0:13:54.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. Free to see a lot. 0:13:54.000,0:13:55.000 John: Free to see a lot, yeah. 0:13:55.000,0:13:56.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:13:56.000,0:13:57.000 John: Lots; to love her. 0:13:57.000,0:13:58.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:13:58.000,0:14:00.000 John: To see her beauty, which I see sometimes. 0:14:00.000,0:14:01.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:14:01.000,0:14:02.000 John: Yeah. 0:14:02.000,0:14:10.000 Byron Katie: It’s beautiful to, to maybe just call occasionally and just check in. “Mom are you happy?” 0:14:10.000,0:14:14.000 And just see what she has to say about that part of her life. 0:14:14.000,0:14:15.000 John: Right. 0:14:15.000,0:14:17.000 Without you guessing. 0:14:17.000,0:14:18.000 John: Right. 0:14:18.000,0:14:19.000 Or projecting onto her. 0:14:19.000,0:14:20.000 John: Right. 0:14:20.000,0:14:24.000 “My mother needs my help to be happy.” Turn it around. 0:14:24.000,0:14:26.000 John: “I need my help to be happy.” 0:14:26.000,0:14:34.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. “You need your help to be happy,” especially those things around your mother’s happiness. 0:14:34.000,0:14:36.000 You need your help there. 0:14:36.000,0:14:40.000 John: Right. I need to see it more clearly. 0:14:40.000,0:14:48.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. I’ve witnessed the world and, and I see, I see believers. 0:14:48.000,0:14:59.000 I see people who appear not to be happy but they’re simply believing their thoughts; that’s all. 0:14:59.000,0:15:09.000 And under that is pure joy. In the meantime everyone’s safe; there’s no harm. 0:15:09.000,0:15:16.000 And test it: “My mother needs my help to be happy.” 0:15:16.000,0:15:20.000 John: “My mother does not need my help to be happy.” 0:15:20.000,0:15:23.000 Byron Katie: So, give me an example. 0:15:23.000,0:15:26.000 John: She’s already fine. 0:15:26.000,0:15:28.000 Byron Katie: She’s full of cooking and grandchildren and … 0:15:28.000,0:15:29.000 John: Absolutely. 0:15:29.000,0:15:42.000 Byron Katie: And sons that want to buy her trips and give her things that to her life, maybe a little not so settled around how to tell him “no,” 0:15:42.000 0:15:47.000 but other than that, a pretty, a pretty good life. 0:15:47.000,0:15:48.000 John: Yeah. 0:15:48.000,0:15:50.000 Byron Katie: Okay. Next one. 0:15:50.000,0:15:53.000 John: “I’m frustrated with my mom because I can’t satisfy her.” 0:15:53.000,0:15:55.000 Byron Katie: You “can’t satisfy her.” 0:15:55.000,0:15:56.000 John: Yeah. 0:15:56.000,0:15:59.000 Byron Katie: Is that true? 0:15:59.000,0:16:01.000 John: Yes. 0:16:01.000,0:16:05.000 Byron Katie: You “can’t satisfy her.” Can you absolutely know that it’s true. 0:16:05.000,0:16:06.000 John: No. 0:16:06.000,0:16:11.000 Byron Katie: And how do you react when you think the thought, “I can’t satisfy her?” 0:16:11.000,0:16:21.000 John: I turn on myself sometimes. Ask, “what’s wrong with me?” 0:16:21.000,0:16:27.000 And I wind up angry. 0:16:27.000,0:16:31.000 Byron Katie: “I can’t satisfy her.” Who would you be without the thought? 0:16:31.000,0:16:44.000 Witness her at home alone, or at home with her grandkids, at home just. . . Who would you be without the thought, “I can’t satisfy her.” 0:16:44.000,0:16:53.000 John: Yeah. I wouldn’t even consider myself anymore that would be my job because it’s done. That job is done. She does that. 0:16:53.000,0:16:56.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. Yeah. 0:16:56.000,0:17:01.000 “I can’t satisfy my mother.” Turn it around. 0:17:01.000,0:17:02.000 John: “I can satisfy my mother.” 0:17:02.000,0:17:05.000 Byron Katie: Give me an example of you can satisfy your mother. 0:17:05.000,0:17:13.000 John: By leaving her alone. 0:17:13.000,0:17:22.000 Byron Katie: And checking in. “Mom you need any help?” “Mom are you happy?” “Mom is there anything I can do to. . .” 0:17:22.000,0:17:30.000 “Anything I can give you; anything I can do for you?” “Are you okay?” 0:17:30.000,0:17:31.000 John: That sounds so nice. 0:17:31.000,0:17:35.000 Byron Katie: Yes, she probably would really think so too. 0:17:35.000,0:17:39.000 John: I’ve not ever been able to do that. 0:17:39.000,0:17:45.000 Byron Katie: Yeah, you’ve been thinking for her. 0:17:45.000,0:17:49.000 Can you find another example? “I can satisfy her.” 0:17:49.000,0:17:52.000 John: By being kind. 0:17:52.000,0:17:53.000 Byron Katie: And interested in her life. 0:17:53.000,0:17:57.000 John: And interested and questions. 0:17:57.000,0:18:00.000 Byron Katie: Okay. Continue to read. 0:18:00.000,0:18:08.000 John: “Mom should show me how happy she is.” 0:18:08.000,0:18:13.000 Byron Katie: How could she do that? 0:18:13.000,0:18:15.000 John: In my imagination? 0:18:15.000,0:18:17.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:18:17.000,0:18:23.000 John: Ah, God. 0:18:23.000,0:18:24.000 Byron Katie: See, you don’t even know. 0:18:24.000 0:18:29.000, John: No. 0:18:29.000,0:18:35.000 She could say, “Oh my gosh, John, you made me so happy.” 0:18:35.000,0:18:44.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So, so: “ring, ring.” Okay, so now you’re your mother and I’m John. “Ring, ring.” 0:18:44.000,0:18:45.000 John: “Hi John.” 0:18:45.000,0:18:49.000 Byron Katie: “Hi. Mom would you do something for me? It’s really important.” 0:18:49.000,0:18:50.000 John: “Uh-huh.” 0:18:50.000,0:18:51.000 Byron Katie: “Would you try?” 0:18:51.000,0:18:52.000 John: “Yeah, yeah.” 0:18:52.000,0:18:59.000 Byron Katie: ”Okay. Would you tell me, ‘John, you make me so happy.’” 0:18:59.000,0:19:00.000 John: “John, you make me so happy.” 0:19:00.000,0:19:07.000 Byron Katie: “Thank you. That’s all I wanted. Thank you.” 0:19:07.000,0:19:10.000 John: “Okay. You’re welcome.” 0:19:10.000,0:19:11.000 Byron Katie: “Goodbye.” 0:19:11.000,0:19:12.000 John: “Goodbye.” 0:19:12.000,0:19:16.000 Byron Katie: “You’ve made me very happy.” 0:19:16.000,0:19:21.000 The story here is that I live that way. If I want something I ask for it. 0:19:21.000,0:19:22.000 John: Yeah. 0:19:22.000,0:19:31.000 Byron Katie: You might also add, “Mom, every time we talk could you please tell me that?” 0:19:31.000,0:19:38.000 “Whether it’s true or not, because it’s what I want to hear. It would make me very happy.” 0:19:38.000,0:19:43.000 John: “Yeah. Right. Yeah” 0:19:43.000,0:19:51.000 Byron Katie: Otherwise you just don’t want it. Otherwise it’s a lie that running in your head. It’s a huge mind game. 0:19:51.000,0:19:56.000 John: Right. Huge. 0:19:56.000,0:20:03.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So, “She should show you how happy she is.” So, turned around. 0:20:03.000,0:20:05.000 John: “I should show me how happy I am.” 0:20:05.000,0:20:08.000 Byron Katie: Yeah; whether my mother’s happy or not. 0:20:08.000,0:20:09.000 John: Right. 0:20:09.000,0:20:10.000 Byron Katie: That’s it. 0:20:10.000,0:20:13.000 John: Right; in that situation. 0:20:13.000,0:20:14.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:20:14.000,0:20:16.000 John: Yeah. “I should show me how happy she is.” 0:20:16.000,0:20:20.000 Byron Katie: Yes, because your eyes haven’t really been opened to it. 0:20:20.000,0:20:21.000 John: Uh-uh. 0:20:21.000,0:20:23.000 Byron Katie: Good. Continue. 0:20:23.000,0:20:26.000 John: “Mom should show me how unhappy she is?” 0:20:26.000,0:20:28.000 Byron Katie: Yes. 0:20:28.000,0:20:30.000 John: Because that’s who she is. 0:20:30.000,0:20:33.000 Byron Katie: Well, not only that; it’s sharing everything with you. 0:20:33.000,0:20:37.000 John: Oh. Got it. 0:20:37.000,0:20:39.000 Byron Katie: Good. Let’s look at the next one. 0:20:39.000,0:20:40.000 John: Got it. Okay. 0:20:40.000,0:20:44.000 Byron Katie: Oh, that’s so good; that’s so amazing because if you really have that one it means 0:20:44.000,0:20:52.000 we can afford to be miserable around you without you becoming unhappy. 0:20:52.000,0:21:02.000 That you’re the one we can come to and we know it’s going to be okay. We’ll be heard 0:21:02.000,0:21:03.000 John: Right. 0:21:03.000,0:21:06.000 Byron Katie: And respected. 0:21:06.000,0:21:07.000 John: Yeah. 0:21:07.000,0:21:11.000 Byron Katie: And you won’t try to make us happy, happy, happy. 0:21:11.000,0:21:13.000 John: Um, you want me to go down to number 5. 0:21:13.000,0:21:14.000 Byron Katie: Okay. 0:21:14.000,0:21:28.000 John: Okay. “Mom is resistant, reactive, negative, judgmental, narrow-minded.” 0:21:28.000,0:21:33.000 Byron Katie: An example of her “narrow-mindedness.” 0:21:33.000,0:21:34.000 John: Fear of flying. 0:21:34.000,0:21:36.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:21:36.000,0:21:38.000 John: Afraid of everything, really. 0:21:38.000,0:21:42.000 Byron Katie: It’s like people say, you know, they “fear flying.” 0:21:42.000,0:21:54.000 If they contemplate getting on a plane; like you buying them a ticket, then they see an image of some terrified woman that they think is them, 0:21:54.000,0:21:58.000 on a plane and the plane’s going down. 0:21:58.000,0:22:11.000 And they really think that’s them. And so they experience that movie and they fear their mind, not flying. 0:22:11.000,0:22:12.000 So, read it again. 0:22:12.000,0:22:14.000 John: Okay. “Mom is resistant …” 0:22:14.000,0:22:19.000 Byron Katie: Okay. Is she resistant or projecting? 0:22:19.000,0:22:20.000 John: Projecting. 0:22:20.000,0:22:21.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:22:21.000,0:22:25.000 So, look what you project onto her. 0:22:25.000,0:22:31.000 That gives you a lot to take care of. She projects. You project. One of you can take care of it. 0:22:31.000,0:22:32.000 John: Right. 0:22:32.000,0:22:34.000 Byron Katie: But it’s not easy, is it? 0:22:34.000,0:22:35.000 John: No. 0:22:35.000,0:22:36.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So, she’s just like you. 0:22:36.000,0:22:37.000 John: Yeah. 0:22:37.000,0:22:38.000 Byron Katie: Okay. 0:22:38.000,0:22:43.000 John: Yeah. “I’m reactive, negative, judgmental, narrow-minded.” 0:22:43.000,0:22:53.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So, turned around in that situation with my mom. “When I want her to be happy, I am …” 0:22:53.000,0:23:06.000 John: “I am resistant, reactive, negative, judgmental and narrow-minded.” Yeah, all of that. 0:23:06.000,0:23:08.000 Byron Katie: Okay and the last one? 0:23:08.000,0:23:18.000 John: Okay. “I don’t ever want Mom to complain, be uncomfortable, be moody, get upset or throw a tantrum.” 0:23:18.000,0:23:23.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So, let’s look at, what was the first one? 0:23:23.000,0:23:25.000 John: Complain. 0:23:25.000,0:23:32.000 Byron Katie: Okay. So, you be Mom complaining. Like an example of a complaint and I’ll be John. 0:23:32.000,0:23:39.000 John: “I don’t really like this. It’s not cooked. It’s pork and it’s not cooked well enough.” 0:23:39.000,0:23:45.000 “It’s got; there’s something, there’s, it hasn’t been cooked. Pork has to be cooked.” 0:23:45.000,0:24:03.000 Byron Katie: “You know, I really hear that. So, I’ve learned a lot. You’re so good with pork.” 0:24:03.000,0:24:06.000 “So, let’s cook it a little longer.” 0:24:06.000,0:24:09.000 John: “Okay, get the waiter.” 0:24:09.000,0:24:14.000 Byron Katie: “Okay, great. ‘Waiter!’” 0:24:14.000,0:24:21.000 John: “I know that you have to; you cannot eat pork when it’s cooked like this. It’s got to be cooked all the way.” 0:24:21.000,0:24:46.000 Byron Katie: “So, waiter, I’d really appreciate if you heard her; took the order back and brought it back just the way she’s described.” 0:24:46.000,0:24:49.000 “This pork is fine with me, but … “ 0:24:49.000,0:24:50.000 John: Yeah. 0:24:50.000,0:24:53.000 Byron Katie: “…if you would take my mom’s back.” 0:24:53.000,0:24:58.000 Unless I’m just not being honest, I might say, “Take them both back.” 0:24:58.000,0:25:01.000 John: No, I wanted to fight her on it. Yeah. Because … 0:25:01.000,0:25:08.000 Byron Katie: It wasn’t about the pork. With her it was about the pork; with you it was … 0:25:08.000,0:25:15.000 John: It was about her being happy with something that is perfectly fine. 0:25:15.000,0:25:26.000 Byron Katie: That wasn’t perfectly fine. It was just perfectly fine with one person at that table. 0:25:26.000,0:25:27.000 You get it, honey? 0:25:27.000,0:25:28.000 John: I think so. Yeah. Yeah. 0:25:28.000,0:25:31.000 Byron Katie: Okay and now here’s; here’s the rub. She wasn’t happy with it. 0:25:31.000,0:25:34.000 John: Right. Right. 0:25:34.000,0:25:38.000 Byron Katie: You did not want her to be happy. 0:25:38.000,0:25:48.000 John: I did want her to be happy with it. That’s where my frustration. . . 0:25:48.000,0:25:54.000 Byron Katie: And that’s not possible because “the pork wasn’t cooked” 0:25:54.000,0:25:58.000 in a way that she could be happy with. 0:25:58.000,0:26:02.000 And you know from her position, honey, she’s just stating a fact. 0:26:02.000,0:26:03.000 John: Umm-hmm. 0:26:03.000,0:26:04.000 Byron Katie: You know, her fact. 0:26:04.000,0:26:06.000 John: Umm-hmm. 0:26:06.000,0:26:07.000 Byron Katie: It wasn’t okay with her. 0:26:07.000,0:26:08.000 John: Yeah. 0:26:08.000,0:26:10.000 Byron Katie: What would make her happy is that you send it back. 0:26:10.000,0:26:12.000 John: Yeah. Right. 0:26:12.000,0:26:18.000 Byron Katie: So, when you have the thought “you want your mother to be happy;” really? It’s a huge question. 0:26:18.000,0:26:31.000 “Oh, yes,” the answer is “yes” in my heart but not in my actions; so not in my mind. 0:26:31.000,0:26:33.000 John: I didn’t see it beyond. 0:26:33.000,0:26:39.000 Byron Katie: So, in another example of her complaining. 0:26:39.000,0:26:44.000 Man: “It’s too hot out here and these; and this line to get back on this boat is too long.” 0:26:44.000,0:26:46.000 Byron Katie: “What do you suggest, Mom?” 0:26:46.000,0:26:48.000 Man: She jumped the line. 0:26:48.000,0:26:49.000 Byron Katie: She jumped the line? 0:26:49.000,0:26:51.000 Man: She jumped the line. 0:26:51.000,0:26:58.000 Byron Katie: Well, that’s good with her. 0:26:58.000,0:26:59.000 That’s good with her. 0:26:59.000,0:27:01.000 John: I was so, I was like, “What?” 0:27:01.000,0:27:03.000 Byron Katie: The line was too short for her. 0:27:03.000,0:27:04.000 John: Too long. 0:27:04.000,0:27:05.000 Byron Katie: I mean too long for her. 0:27:05.000,0:27:08.000 John: Yeah, and she jumped it. 0:27:08.000,0:27:14.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. That made her very happy. 0:27:14.000,0:27:20.000 Do you want your mother to be happy or not? 0:27:20.000,0:27:21.000 You know I’m serious. 0:27:21.000,0:27:22.000 John: I know you are. 0:27:22.000,0:27:23.000 Byron Katie: She jumped the line. 0:27:23.000,0:27:28.000 John: Yeah. I cringed. 0:27:28.000,0:27:33.000 Byron Katie: You know, it was her that believed it. 0:27:33.000,0:27:38.000 It had nothing to do with you. What you were thinking and believing about your mother; now, that could use a little work. 0:27:38.000,0:27:39.000 John: Right. 0:27:39.000,0:27:40.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:27:40.000,0:27:41.000 John: My cringing can use a little work. 0:27:41.000,0:27:42.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:27:42.000,0:27:43.000 John: Right. 0:27:43.000,0:27:45.000 Byron Katie: So, give me another; you know, did you jump the line? 0:27:45.000,0:27:46.000 Man: She did look happy. 0:27:46.000,0:27:48.000 Byron Katie: Did you jump the line? 0:27:48.000,0:28:06.000 John: I didn’t, but I joined her. I mean, I didn’t jump the line, but I just got in right beside her and sort of hid my side, you know, from view. 0:28:06.000,0:28:15.000 I mean, I had to stay with her. 0:28:15.000,0:28:19.000 Byron Katie: That’s a good one. 0:28:19.000,0:28:24.000 Your mother is so capable. 0:28:24.000,0:28:32.000 John: I mean, I just couldn’t see myself going back to the end of the line and leaving her there. 0:28:32.000,0:28:39.000 Byron Katie: Okay, another example of your mother’s complaints. 0:28:39.000,0:28:51.000 John: “Your father and his wife are just silly to me. They act silly at the football games, at the grandson’s football games.” 0:28:51.000,0:28:59.000 “They just wear the little, you know, they stitch up sweaters and wear their names on their sweaters.” 0:28:59.000,0:29:13.000 Byron Katie: “You know, Mom, you know, you’re right. That is; that can look pretty silly.” 0:29:13.000,0:29:19.000 “I wonder how much time they put in on that?” 0:29:19.000,0:29:20.000 “Do you think. . .” 0:29:20.000,0:29:22.000 John: “It’s just so stupid.” 0:29:22.000,0:29:23.000 Byron Katie: “Yeah” 0:29:23.000,0:29:26.000 John: “Why do they; why do they want to be so stupid and embarrass everybody?” 0:29:26.000,0:29:34.000 Byron Katie: “You know, that’s an excellent question. Have you asked them?” 0:29:34.000,0:29:36.000 John: “I’m not going to talk to them.” 0:29:36.000,0:29:43.000 Byron Katie: “Yeah. Well, I understand that, but you know, do you think they’re having fun?” 0:29:43.000,0:29:44.000 John: “I hope so.” 0:29:44.000,0:29:56.000 Byron Katie: “Oh mom, that’s so like you.” 0:29:56.000,0:29:58.000 “I hope so too.” 0:29:58.000,0:30:00.000 John: “They sure are looking silly to me.” 0:30:00.000,0:30:04.000 Byron Katie: “Well, I guess sometimes that’s what it takes. 0:30:04.000,0:30:18.000 Just to be silly sometimes, like the time you jumped that line.” 0:30:18.000,0:30:21.000 John: Oh, no. 0:30:21.000,0:30:35.000 Byron Katie: “And me acting like I wasn’t with you; that was great.” 0:30:35.000,0:30:40.000 What I’m hearing each time is it’s her mind and her sharing: 0:30:40.000,0:30:52.000 That’s not the way she likes pork and the line is too long and they look pretty silly. That’s her world. 0:30:52.000,0:30:53.000 John: Right. 0:30:53.000,0:31:03.000 Byron Katie: But, you complain about her likes and dislikes and that’s your pain. 0:31:03.000,0:31:12.000 So, you project that onto her as though those were her complaints. It’s your complaints about her. Hers are observations. 0:31:12.000,0:31:16.000 John: Yeah, that could be, if I didn’t project. Yeah. 0:31:16.000,0:31:18.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. Without your story it’s just very clear. 0:31:18.000,0:31:20.000 John: Right. Right. 0:31:20.000,0:31:23.000 Byron Katie: There’s no one to resent or. . . 0:31:23.000,0:31:31.000 John: And see, I project. I didn’t say much about the whole line incident because I just thought it was outrageous and just let it go, you know? 0:31:31.000,0:31:32.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. 0:31:32.000,0:31:42.000 John: It’s my Work. But when she says something about my father or anybody else and what I project to be a negative complaint, 0:31:42.000,0:31:46.000 I say, “Oh look, they’re just. . .” 0:31:46.000,0:31:50.000 I would say something like something like that: “They’re just. . .” But it would be to convince her that 0:31:50.000,0:31:54.000 they’re just have; they’re just themselves having fun, and she; they own a. . . 0:31:54.000,0:31:56.000 Byron Katie: So, your attempt to change her mind. 0:31:56.000,0:31:57.000 John: Yeah. 0:31:57.000,0:31:59.000 Byron Katie: Your attempt to teach. 0:31:59.000,0:32:07.000 When you’re not in a student position, you’re in a really, a really very limited place: the teacher. 0:32:07.000,0:32:08.000 John; Got ya. 0:32:08.000,0:32:11.000 Byron Katie: So, “I’m willing to …” 0:32:11.000,0:32:18.000 John: “I’m willing to hear mom complain.” 0:32:18.000,0:32:19.000 Byron Katie: Exciting. 0:32:19.000,0:32:20.000 John: Exciting. 0:32:20.000,0:32:24.000 “I’m willing for her to be uncomfortable.” 0:32:24.000,0:32:29.000 Byron Katie: Exciting. 0:32:29.000,0:32:32.000 And I mean that in the kindest sense. 0:32:32.000,0:32:33.000 John: Yeah. 0:32:33.000,0:32:39.000 Byron Katie: So, honey, let’s do one of those. Okay? Where you’re your mom and you’re very uncomfortable. 0:32:39.000,0:32:43.000 One of those things you’ve witnessed where she’s uncomfortable 0:32:43.000,0:32:46.000 And I’m going to be you. 0:32:46.000,0:32:52.000 John: “How much longer do we have drive here? I’m not comfortable in the car. 0:32:52.000,0:32:57.000 I don’t; how long did you say it was going to be? It seems like it’s been two hours.” 0:32:57.000,0:33:03.000 Byron Katie: “Oh, Mom, it’s going to be two more hours.” 0:33:03.000,0:33:06.000 John: “You told me it was going to be two; only two.” 0:33:06.000,0:33:09.000 Byron Katie: “Well, I am very sorry for that.” 0:33:09.000,0:33:12.000 John: “I don’t like it here.” 0:33:12.000,0:33:20.000 Byron Katie: “I hear that. Um, what do you suggest?” 0:33:20.000,0:33:31.000 “Number 1: I’ll be more accurate the way I speak and on timing next time. But what do you suggest, because here we are right now.” 0:33:31.000,0:33:32.000 John: “I’m hungry.” 0:33:32.000,0:33:41.000 Byron Katie: “Okay, the next time we see a place to eat, let’s pull over and eat.” 0:33:41.000,0:33:50.000 John: Raw pork. 0:33:50.000,0:33:55.000 “Oh no, let’s just go; let’s just get back and then we’ll get something to eat.” 0:33:55.000,0:34:07.000 Byron Katie: “Oh, you know, you’re amazing. You know, the way I know you, is you’re always making the best out of a poor situation; a bad situation. 0:34:07.000,0:34:09.000 John: “What do you mean?” 0:34:09.000,0:34:17.000 Byron Katie: “Well, you know, you’re hungry and yet you say, ‘Let’s just keep going.’ Let’s just get ho…” 0:34:17.000,0:34:21.000 John: “I’m hungry and I want to get home, so let’s get home and then we’ll talk about getting something to eat.” 0:34:21.000,0:34:25.000 Byron Katie: “Excellent. I hear that.” 0:34:25.000,0:34:27.000 John: “I don’t know why I ever came here in the first place.” 0:34:27.000,0:34:39.000 Byron Katie: “You know, well, you know, that’s interesting that you should say that. Why did you?” 0:34:39.000,0:34:44.000 John: “I just thought that you’d be happy if I did.” 0:34:44.000,0:34:58.000 Byron Katie: “Oh. Oh, Mom, that is so like you. You know I’m the same way, I’m always thinking of your happiness.” 0:34:58.000,0:35:03.000 “We’re so alike.” 0:35:03.000,0:35:07.000 John: “Let’s just get home. 0:35:07.000,0:35:14.000 Byron Katie: “I’m with you on that one. There we are again, the same.” 0:35:14.000,0:35:22.000 Okay, so you know what happened there, honey, in those little; no matter what she said, I simply listened. 0:35:22.000,0:35:24.000 John: Right. Right. 0:35:24.000,0:35:30.000 Byron Katie: And when I want my mom to be happy, she tells me what she wants. I listen. 0:35:30.000. 0:35:31.000 John: Right. 0:35:31.000,0:35:33.000 Byron Katie: She’s hungry; I feed her. 0:35:33.000,0:35:34.000 John: Right. 0:35:34.000,0:35:37.000 Byron Katie: She wants to go home; I take her home. 0:35:37.000,0:35:39.000 John: Right. 0:35:39.000,0:35:44.000 Byron Katie: She changes her mind; I want her to be happy. It’s okay with me. I listen. 0:35:44.000,0:35:53.000 That way I hear all the clues about how to assist my mother’s happiness and I’m not a doormat. 0:35:53.000,0:35:54.000 John: Right. Right. 0:35:54.000,0:36:00.000 Byron Katie: I’m simply a listener who is living out what is really true for me: “I want my mother to be happy.” 0:36:00.000,0:36:02.000 John: Right. 0:36:02.000,0:36:03.000 Byron Katie: Thank you, precious. 0:36:03.000,0:36:04.000 John: Thank you. 0:36:04.000,0:36:05.000 Byron Katie: Good stuff. 0:36:05.000,0:36:09.000 John: Such an honor. 0:36:09.000,0:36:12.000 Byron Katie: You know, sons and mothers … 0:36:12.000,0:36:19.000 Sons and mothers are, it’s; it can be really tricky emotionally 0:36:19.000,0:36:28.000 And you know, I don’t know what that it, but I have two sons and I’m very grateful and it is a privilege to sit with you. 0:36:28.000,0:36:29.000 John: Thank you, too. 0:36:29.000,0:36:37.000 Byron Katie: Thank you, John. 0:36:37.000,0:36:47.000 Okay, so what did you; what did you experience in this Work? Any feedback for John. Yes. 0:36:47.000,0:36:56.000 Woman: That was totally my worksheet. I really wanted my mom to be happy and she goes to Spain every year, a couple of months. 0:36:56.000,0:37:02.000 So I bought a ticket and flew out to surprise her. 0:37:02.000,0:37:11.000 So, then I rented a car and I was going to show her the whole island and take her on all these adventurous trips 0:37:11.000,0:37:17.000 and we’re driving up the mountains on this little road and I look over at my mom and she’s just petrified. 0:37:17.000,0:37:22.000 She’s holding on for dear life, looking out the window. 0:37:22.000,0:37:25.000 Byron Katie: It’s like a, like an adventure in terror. 0:37:25.000,0:37:26.000 Woman: It was. 0:37:26.000,0:37:28.000 Byron Katie: “Come on, Mom, what’s the matter with you?” 0:37:28.000,0:37:42.000 Woman: Totally. Totally and so, I returned the rental car, she’s just happy here in her little apartment, doing the same things every day. 0:37:42.000,0:37:53.000 Eating at the same place every day. So, I just, I did The Work and I surrendered and we had the sweetest time ever, my mom and I. 0:37:53.000,0:38:03.000 Just the two of us together, drinking coffee; cooking together; even sleeping in the same room, I haven’t done since I was a little girl. 0:38:03.000,0:38:14.000 So, thanks to The Work I came to see I came there for me, you know, I got to have the most precious quality time with my mom. 0:38:14.000,0:38:15.000 Byron Katie: Yeah. Yes, in the back. 0:38:15.000,0:38:22.000 Man 2: That’s a son/mother thing because we’re out here visiting my 87-year-old mom and I’ve been trying to make her happy for decades 0:38:22.000,0:38:28.000 and the wrinkle that we have is that I live on the East Coast and my mom lives about 10 minutes north of here. 0:38:28.000,0:38:33.000 She can still drive, but now she’s got not one but two walkers and my sister and I have been wondering, you know, 0:38:33.000,0:38:38.000 how we could possibility take care of her if she will not move East because of the weather. 0:38:38.000,0:38:45.000 She likes her little ranch home in Marina Del Rey and we’ve been worrying about her for years and years and years. 0:38:45.000,0:38:52.000 And hearing you; this beautiful Work that you two just did is so empowering because she’s happy. 0:38:52.000,0:39:02.000 You know, she’s living independently, she can still drive, I got her membership to Costco and that’s become her gym. 0:39:02.000,0:39:11.000 Because she’ll go there almost every day and she doesn’t usually buy anything but she pushes a cart around and eats at the sample tables. 0:39:11.000,0:39:13.000 So, you know. . . 0:39:13.000,0:39:17.000 Byron Katie: So, you do know how to take care of her. 0:39:17.000,0:39:21.000 Man 2: Best thing, it’s a lot cheaper than my health club, I’ll tell you that. 0:39:21.000,0:39:33.000 But, it’s beautiful. But in all that I’m reminded today by your beautiful work, thanks for the courage to get up there; is that she says she’s happy. 0:39:33.000,0:39:45.000 Byron Katie: You know I have an expression that I haven’t used in a while and it’s “love kills” and this is an example of that. 0:39:45.000,0:39:55.000 It’s, you know, “I want my mother to be happy if it kills her” and I want it so badly that I cannot see reality. 0:39:55.000,0:40:03.000 I’m not in touch with that. And because I love her, I’m gonna take care of her. 0:40:03.000,0:40:13.000 Like your description, sweetheart, of taking your mother up, you know, renting the car and I mean, “Welcome to hell, Mom.” 0:40:13.000,0:40:20.000 “You know, it doesn’t matter if this makes you happy or not, you know, I’m not looking at that I’m just sure this is going to make you happy.” 0:40:20.000,0:40:35.000 And you believe it and you know it really is the trip to hell. So it’s like, “Oh, my God, here she comes again.” 0:40:35.000,0:40:40.000 Thank you all for these great examples and, honey, thank you for showing us the way. 0:40:40.000,0:40:43.000, John: Oh, thank you.