“How do I cope with my son’s drug addiction?” Tamara asks Byron Katie. Katie tells her that she lived the same dilemma with her own daughter, who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. The resolution, she says, was not in her daughter’s eventual sobriety, but in Katie’s noticing her own mental addiction to suffering and finding sobriety from that. “Your son does drugs, and you get your hit by believing the horror movies in your head,” Katie says. “I did this Work, and I set myself free. And it was so attractive to my daughter that she ended up setting herself free.” Website: http://www.thework.com Webcasts: http://www.livewithbyronkatie.com Subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/theworkofbk Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theworkofbyr... Twitter: https://twitter.com/ByronKatie. © 2015 Byron Katie International, Inc. All rights reserved.
Byron Katie: Tamara. Tamara: Hi. Hi, Tamara. Hi. Hi. So, read your email to us. OK. I’m a little emotional. How do I cope with my son’s drug addiction without losing my mind to fear? Yeah. OK. So, how do you cope with your son’s drug addiction without losing your mind to fear. You don’t. Not yet. When you’re asleep and your mind’s not working, there’s no fear. But then you wake up to the nightmare. I have nightmares at night. Yeah. I wake up… So, what I can tell you, and don’t even try to hear it; I’m just gonna say it. For me, it cannot be my son’s drug addiction that costs me my peace of mind. It has to be what I am believing about my son and his addiction. What I think and believe and see in him, I experience here, within myself. That’s within me. So, the he I believe him to be is me. So, “your son is addicted to drugs.” Is it true? Yes. “Your son is addicted to drugs.” Can you absolutely know that it’s true: “He’s addicted to drugs.” I absolutely know he is. Good. Now, how do you react; what happens right now, what happens when you believe the thought, “He’s addicted to drugs.” I grieve. Yeah. And you grieve when you see; how do you react when you believe the thought “he’s addicted to drugs”? You saw images of a future. You saw images of your son and you in your mind’s eye. I grieve the loss of my relationship with my son. I have portions of it, but the drugs take him away from me. Yes. So, you see that in your mind’s eye. You see those images of a past where you’re unable to communicate with him the way that he used to be open to. Right. So, you see those images of past where he’s just not reachable. Right. Yeah. And how he really doesn’t want to be around you. He just doesn’t want to hear it from you. Lost. So you see that. That’s how you react when you believe the thought. You see the images in your head of that and then you become… Devastated. Devastated. So, you see that image in your head of your son and you trying to communicate. OK? That failure. Now, that image in your head. Is that you? Is that your son? Is it imagination? It’s a scene from the past that we’ve had. A scene from the past that you cannot prove other than the images in your head. That’s why I asked you: Is that real or imagined? It was real. And right now, in your head, is it real or imagined? It’s a memory. So it’s memory imagined? Imagination. That is not a son in your head. It’s an image. That is not you in your head. That’s an image. You see the two of you arguing? In your mind’s eye? Those aren’t real people. That’s imagination. It doesn’t matter if it happened or not. In this moment now, that is pure imagination. Those are not real people. OK. OK? And as you witness that, how do you react when you believe the thought? The images are there and then you’re devastated. Yes. So, in this moment now, who would you be without the thought? Without the thought, “My son is addicted to drugs.” Just right now without thoughts of your son at all. I’m fine if I don’t think about him. Well, remember that’s not him you’re thinking of. Those are false images. They’re cartoons. It’s a dramatic movie. I’m not trying to convince you of anything. I’m really just putting it in front of you, inviting you to notice the difference between reality and imagination. OK. So, “My son is a drug addict.” Who would you be just in this moment without the thought? Notice where you’re sitting. Are you in a chair? Is it safe? Are you OK? Yep. And you’re breathing? Sort of. Yeah. Yeah. And you’ve got a friend here. We’re talking. Yes. OK. Everything OK? Other than what you’re thinking and believing, life is really good. You have the support of the walls around you and the roof and the light. You’re clothed. I mean, there’s more in this moment of grace than you could even begin to take in. That’s true. Well, we’re so busy with this horror movie that we don’t look at reality. Reality is always kinder than the story. OK. I can… “My son’s a drug addict.” Turn it around. “My son’s addicted to drugs.” Turn it around. I am… I’ve gone down that path. I’m addicted to my son; worrying about my son. Yes. That’s your addiction. And that’s not your son you’re worried about. That’s an image in your head. That’s a movie. When he shows up and I see it. He just showed up in your mind’s eye. When he shows up, that’s one thing. Right now, he’s not showing up. That is not your son. Right. Right. Right. OK. In other words, you could have quite a life if you weren’t so believing in these little toys dancing around in your head that aren’t real. But how do I make them not real? You don’t have to make them not real. They’re not real. OK. But how do I stop? Don’t stop. That’s not your son. It’s not a problem. That’s not you. Here’s what it’s about, sweetheart. It’s about noticing. How? Do what you expect him to do: break the addiction. The addiction of believing what is false to be true. The images in your head. You know, I see a picture of my daughter and my son in my head right now. That’s the way I talk. But I know that’s not my daughter and son. It’s an image. I just call it my daughter/my son. For all I know, I don’t even have one. For all I know, they’ve just been wiped off the face of the earth or they have never existed. I have no proof other than this. And I don’t trust this. As a drug addict. As a past drug addict, you should understand that. Hear what I’m saying. I’m not a drug addict. Well, whatever it was you were addicted to. You said you’ve been down that path. What was the path? Of thinking; I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m addicted to fear of my son’s addiction. Yeah. It’s addicted. I did The Work and figured that out. You know, it really; it’s a big adrenaline hit. It really is. You know, it really is a bit hit. He does drugs and you get your hit by believing in horror movies in your head. But then the horror movie shows up at my front door, and it’s real. It’s right in front of my face. But guess what? Right now, he’s not at your door. True. The mind; how does it stay identified? It’s either anticipating or remembering at all times. So, it’s about noticing, noticing. And for me there was no shortcut. My daughter has; she doesn’t make it a secret that she was addicted to alcohol and drugs. And I did this Work. And I set me free and I guess it was attractive enough that she set her free. Peace is possible. But just notice when you’re anticipating and remembering and that’s a Worksheet. So, “your son’s addicted to drugs.” Turned around, I’m addicted to drugs. Which drug in particular? The images in your head. Those are your drugs. Those are not real people. And I leave it to you, honey, to write a full Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet and then question the thoughts that you addict over and in regards to your son. You know, our sons definitely give us a life to deal with. I’ve done my Worksheets and stuff and I always come back to the fact that he is a drug addict and that puts the fear of God in me, and I… Well, no. Actually, it doesn’t put the fear of God in you. You are afraid. You are afraid of what’s going to happen to him. And that’s what puts the fear of God in you. Whatever that means. Your son’s drug addiction doesn’t. What you believe is going to happen; that does. So, that’s not your son. That’s you. That’s true. Well, good. Good. You’re tracking. That’s true. My son does not have the power to cause me one moment of fear or anxiety or lack of love. But I don’t call it The Work for nothing. I had to save one of us and I did. And then our children, they follow us or not. That’s true. Yeah. But… I’ve got to write that down. This is a lot. This is a lot. But it’s not as much as what you’re going through. And get in touch with one of those certified facilitators, because they’ll hold you at least as well as I’ve done today. They’ll hold you in a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet until you; it’s like riding a bicycle. Eventually your mind begins to find a sane track. And once it gets the scent of that, that love is the power I talk about, it just runs with it. It is the mind just finding its way home. And once it gets the direction, it’s amazing. It just needs a little support. It’s a child. It’s a runaway, terrified child. So, just give it a little love and support and… Thank you. Oh, you’re so welcome. You know, I’d say God bless, but that’s already happened and we’re just catching up with it. I love you. Oh, honey. And you. And you. Bye-bye, dearest. And I want to say hello, dearest. And love to your son.