He Gave Up on Me | The Work

He Gave Up on Me

Video Description: 
A young woman is heartbroken because she believes that her boyfriend gave up on her. She describes being on a plane and hearing a song that she once sang to him. In that moment, she feels hopeless and angry at the world. Byron Katie guides her to drop into stillness, question the thought, and meditate on the turnaround “I gave up on him.” “This is intimacy—mind understanding itself,” Katie says. Other concepts she questions are: “I want him to see me,” “I want him to give me another chance,” “I want him to open his heart to me,” “I want only him,” “I want him to understand me,” “He should see where I was coming from,” “He shouldn’t be so stubborn,” “He should see how much I’ve changed,” “He should see how good we could be now,” “I need him to take me back,” and “I need him to trust me.” Katie invites her to turn each of these thoughts around and wake herself up.
Byron Katie: OK, sweetheart. Let’s do The Work. “I am heartbroken with Manet because he gave up on me.” So, what is the situation? Well, I’m flying, actually, to The Cleanse, and I hear the song that I used to sing to him in the airplane. And that it’s all about: You’re my love and my happiness and, like, my life. You know? So, you’re on the flight. And you’re hearing this song. And it just, like, I start feeling miserable. And you have the judgment that “you’re heartbroken because he gave up on you.” Is it true? So, some of you will really get this. You’re sitting on the flight. You hear the music. “You’re heartbroken because he gave up on you.” Is that why you’re heartbroken? No. Why are you heartbroken? Because I’m seeing images of everything that could happen. So, what broke your heart? Was it him? No. Absolutely not. Notice how you react, on that flight, when you hear the song, notice how you react when you think the thought: “I’m heartbroken because he gave up on me.” You want some sadness in your life, believe your thoughts. You know, in other words, go to a good movie. No, don’t bother going. You’re already there. Oh, yes. Yeah. I’m completely crying in the plane during this big movie. Um. I get, like, completely sad. You’re a victim immediately. And it’s his fault, this man you love. I feel hopeless. It’s so unfair. I just start getting, like, mad at the world. OK. “I’m heartbroken because he gave up on me.” Now, listen to the music, look at the window, notice the seat on the plane. Look around as you listen to the music without the thought, without the images in your head. In other words, without the thought: “I’m heartbroken because he gave up on me.” Look at reality instead. It’s always kinder than imagination. Who would you be without the thought: “I’m heartbroken because he gave up on me.” As you listen to the music. I would be singing. Yeah. I love that song. Yeah. Yeah. So, let’s turn it around. I’m heartbroken because. . . I. . . I gave up on. . . . . . on him. On him. I can see clearly how many times I gave up on him. Yeah. So, what is the opposite of heartbroken? Grateful? Yeah. I’m grateful because he didn’t give up on me. Now, look at those times in your life where he really should have and he didn’t. And spend an hour in that. I mean, he did. OK. So, statement 2. “I want Manet to see me, to give me another chance to open his heart. I want only him. (Or I only want him). I want him to understand me.” OK. So, “you want him to see you.” Is it true? When you consider the information you’ve just discovered? “You want him to see you.” Is it true? You know where I go with this? Sitting in that last meditation? He did see me. That’s why he left. “I want him to see me.” What me would that be? He hasn’t even met this one. So, you see all this takes is stillness. Just get still. Sit. And this is intimacy. The mind understanding itself. So, “you want him to see you.” Just consider that. You on your best behavior. It’s not enough. And it could be you’re not ready for him to see you. And the fact that he doesn’t is a reprieve. It gives you a chance to understand yourself before you inflict it on him again. To really get right with yourself. “I want him to see me.” Another turnaround. I want me to see him. Yeah. I think I see him. I think I see that he’s very hurt. But he’s not trustful. Yeah. I keep on punishing for that. “I want him to see me.” Another turnaround: I want me. . . I want me to see me. Yeah. Before he sees you. How can I see me? See him the way you see you. And then when you walk to the kitchen for a drink of water, see you. What are you thinking from the couch to the faucet? Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah. See you! Because that’s who he’s gonna see. Until you love you from the chair to the faucet to get a drink of water. Until you love what you’re thinking. There’s Work to do. He doesn’t love me, so I’m unlovable. He doesn’t want to see me; I’m someone that doesn’t want to be seen. You understand? This is really self-judgment, isn’t it? So, “I want him to see me.” What is the opposite of: I want? I don’t want. . . . . . him to. . . . . . him to see me. Not yet. Why because it’s still all about you. It’s not about what he wants. It’s all about you. It’s not about who he wants to be with. It’s all about you. That’s no kind of partner for him, if it’s true you love him. Not yet. So, “you want him to give you another chance.” Is that true? Are you ready for that? Do you like you, from the chair to the sink? Uh-uh. Not yet. He’s looking pretty wise now, isn’t he? “I want him to give me another chance.” I want me to give me another chance. Like, that’s the most important part for me right now. Yes. From the chair to the sink. You’ve got another chance. But it’s still all about him. Like, if he doesn’t forgive me, then everything that I’ve done is, like, worthless. So I’m still clinging and being codependent on him. Yeah. And doing The Work with a motive. “I want him to open his heart.” “You want him to open his heart.” Knowing you, is that true? Now, when you’re doing this Work it’s not knowing me and saying: I’m such a bad person. Not yet. It’s from the information you just saw clearly on your Worksheet. That’s what you’re responding out of. So, “you want him to open his heart to you.” Is that true? And how do you react; what happens when you believe the thought: “I want him to open his heart to me.” I resent him. And who would you be without the thought? So, look around. The music’s playing. And you’re in your seat. You’re on a flight. You’re coming to The Cleanse. Look out the window. Look around. I would be grateful. . . of. . . . . . of being in such good company. Yes. “I want him to open his heart to me.” Turn it around. I don’t want him to open his heart to me. Yeah. He’s not on the flight. And, it’s conditional love, isn’t it? I want you to open your heart to me so I don’t have to change my behavior. I want you to pretend I’m someone I’m not yet. In other words, someone I’m pretending to be. And when I mean not yet, I mean in my own awareness. We’re waking up to who we really are. And that is just. . . It’s so beautiful, there really are no; we have words that fall short. And love comes to mind. Perfect comes to mind. “I want him to open his heart to me.” Another turnaround? I want me to open my heart to me. That’s why. That’s where it’s at. That’s it. That’s what you were using him for anyway. You don’t need him for that. You feel what an open heart feels like? Well, he never gave you that. “I want him to open his heart to me.” Another turnaround: I want me. . . . . . to open my heart to him. Yeah. Who brought you this love. Just now. “You only want him.” Is that true? No. No, I think you found a better partner. So. . . I think “I only want him,” but in the truth, no. No. No. Nothing can substitute for what’s really true for you. The true cause of happiness. And it doesn’t mean you don’t have wonderful relationships. It’s just that when you’re with someone, your mind is as beautiful as it is from the chair to the sink. “You want him to understand you.” Is that true? He understands enough about you. “You want him to understand you.” Is it true? No. No. When you look at this Work as your own, is it possible that another human being could understand you? It’s like: Does Stephen understand me? I don’t know how. And then when he understands me, I punish him. It would be like that. So: “I want him to understand me.” How do you react; what happens when you believe that thought, on the flight, and you’re in that movie? There are other movies on the flight. But not as good as yours. Of course. In your movie, it’s so real. There’s frustration. There are tears. And it’s authentic. And you’re the star. There’s music. And there’s music! Your favorite soundtrack. How do I react? Oh, yeah. I’m a victim again. Yeah. I’m completely like: Oh, he doesn’t know where I’m. . . Yeah. And also, he says you’re wrong and you criticize. And he says: You think this about me. And you’re so asleep you say: No, I don’t. And yes you do. So: “I want him to understand me.” I want me to understand me. Isn’t that it? Yeah. And it’s tough enough when you’re the only one that can. Let’s look at the next one, statement 3. Statement 3. Advice. “He should see where I was coming from.” OK. So, on that flight, here’s advice to you. Turn it around. I should see where I was coming from. Yes. From a movie in your head. That’s where you were coming from. Not him. OK. “He should see where you’re coming from.” Turn it around. He should not see where I was coming from. No, he’s not on the flight. He has no way to see where I’m coming from. No. The next one. “He shouldn’t be so stubborn.” I shouldn’t be so stubborn. Yeah. “He shouldn’t be so stubborn.” He should be. He should be stubborn. That he in your imagination should be. That’s the movie. That’s the movie waking you up. Movies aren’t terrible. They’re just movies. So, the next one. “He should see how much I have changed.” Not much, huh? He could be on the flight and not know you’re there and walk down and go: Oh, my God, she’s crying again. And the next one? “He should see how we could be now.” Crying. You know, the next time you run into him, just say: You are so smart to leave me. You know, I really have a lot of Work to do, and thank you for being so wise. I’m really not ready for that relationship. I can barely walk from my chair to the kitchen. In peace. OK, honey, the next one. “I need Manet to take me back.” Is that true? On the flight? No, I don’t. No. And he couldn’t. How do you react, on the flight, when you believe the thought that “you need him to take you back.” It’s how the dream accelerates. Now it’s getting really good. “I need him to take me back” and he’s rejecting me and I’m begging and pleading and now I’m hurt and he’s turning his back on me and I’m seeing me alone. And no one will ever love me the way he loved me. And, oh, my gosh. And the song is playing. That’s the most amazing soundtrack. That’s my movie exactly. That’s it. And I blew my only chance for happiness. Yes. And now I’m getting old. Give me my XX???XX Yes. Yes. I hear you. So, “I need him to take me back.” In that moment of being so lost. Turn it around. Wake you up. I need me. . . . . . to take me back. Yeah. To take you back. Catch up with yourself. Yeah. Look around. It’s like: Whoa! That was a good one. Now I know why I had that fear of flying. I was taking me with me. So, the next one. “I need Manet to trust me.” OK. Is that true? No. No. Let’s say he took you back. In your state of mind, he couldn’t. You don’t. So, “I need him to trust me.” Turn it around. I need me to trust me. Isn’t that it? Yeah, that’s all about it. I mean, you can’t expect him to trust what you don’t trust yet. “I need him to trust me.” Another turnaround? I need me to trust him. Yeah. You need you to trust him. And when he says something, really listen. And here’s why I say that. From here to the sink, you may be asleep. Those apparent people are here to wake you up. That’s why they’re so divine. That is the good in the world. Everything is working for you. “I need him to take me back.” Another turnaround. I need me to take him back. Take him back. Not what you’re believing about him. And to trust him. And that one is deep. Like, trust. Because I believe that he thinks he doesn’t want to be with me but he does. Yeah know? What was it you said? Those two things? What he said? Uh-huh. That this, like, it’s not going to work. Like, it wouldn’t work out. But you believe it really will. And now you’re starting to wake up to: It won’t. He reminds me of what I; he’s still in what I was. And every time I go back to him it’s just like feeling guilty about what I was. And you’re still into what you were, which is overriding what he believes to be his wisdom. He says it’s not gonna work, but just like your old pattern, you think: He’s wrong, I’m right. So, you’re not listening. He could be right. And it sounds like you’re starting to catch up. So, that was one. You mentioned two. Yeah. That one. . . He says that he doesn’t want to be with me. But I think he does. And the more; the closer you get to take a look at you, would you want someone you love to be with you? To have a relationship with you? Look at your relationship with yourself. Now, I’m still starving myself. Like, I’m still blaming myself. And I’m still hurting myself. So, to be with you, he’s gonna have to live out your resentments. He doesn’t want to be with that you that you’re meeting. And in the long run, you could be right. But who knows? In the meantime, just retrieve yourself. What’s retrieve mean? Discover yourself and why anyone wouldn’t want to be with you. Because that leaves you in good company. Which is all you’re seeking anyhow. The needs are for happiness. OK? So, here are your instructions. Turn it around. I need to take me back. If you want to be happy. “I need him to trust me.” Turn it around. I need me to trust me. But only if you want to be happy. And if you lie to yourself, it doesn’t make you happy. I need to give me another chance. From here to there. That’s how you become good company. From here to there. Just take 3 steps in peace. And be willing to, look forward to, just having hell from here to here. Be willing to, look forward to, identify it, write it down, ask 4 questions, turn it around. Get still in those. And be shown. If this beautiful one can do it, we can do it. Yeah, because it’s, like, I have these feelings like I did all these things so it’s like I’m unforgivable. Like, if I had done something horrible. . . Look at you on the flight. It feels horrible. And in some sense, the ego smiles because it’s like: Oh, I’m so identified. This is so good. I’m so; I’m so safe here. It’s like. . . And then you. . . Find the piece of you when you were in that position. There is a part of you that looks and smiles, like: winner! But that’s crazy, because right before. . . I love this. The victim. The world has wronged me. He wronged me. Everyone. Even the song hurts me. It’s crazy. Like, before that, I was two days in this, like, super-romantic beach in the Caribbean by myself and I was just so happy and enjoying and just complete. And then all of a sudden, the song triggers. When you’re happy, it’s a time to rest. In all that happiness and laughter and everything’s working for you. When it’s time to go to Work again: Boom! You don’t get to choose the schedule. It’s like the school bell rings. I thought I was all good, because I was like, if I can go through this by myself, alone in this romantic paradise, nothing will trigger me. Yeah. The airplane. Yeah. Yeah. So: “Manet’s weak. A coward. Narrow-minded. He doesn’t have balls. He hurt. He’s heartbroken. He’s untrustful. And he’s scared.” And I really want to live with him. And yes, it’s hell, but I’m more interested in winning. “He is weak.” Is it true? You’ve tried everything to get him back. He’s not going for it. That’s a good one. I have all my proof of these weaknesses. Yeah. But he’s very strong, actually. Yes. He is very strong. “He’s a coward.” Is it true? No. No. He lived with you. So, when you’re sitting in these, you know, give it a chance. Just give it a chance. You know? “He’s weak.” Is it true? Yes. Next. No. Give it a chance. You wrote it. Open your mind to it. Don’t you want to know the truth? And then if you don’t see it there, when you turn it around, you know, I’ve said checkmate, when you turn it around, you’ll pick up what you may have missed. And it’ll just keep feeding you and giving you opportunity in this beautiful, circular way of opportunity to see what’s real and what’s not. “He’s narrow-minded.” Is it true? What does that mean to you? Narrow-minded. Like, stubborn. Like, once he says something, it doesn’t matter if he’s dying. He won’t go against it. Who does that sound like? Yes. “He doesn’t have balls.” Next. Let’s turn the whole thing around. In that situation on the flight, I am. . . I am weak, narrow-minded, I don’t have any balls, I’m hurt, I’m heartbroken, I’m untrustful, and I’m scared. Yes. So, all those are so when you look at the emotions you were experiencing in the movie and the character you are in the dream. I’m narrow-minded because I am only believing it’s him or nothing. I don’t have the courage to come back. It hurts. It heartbreaks me thinking all that. I’m untrustful about the future. About the universe. About what it’s going to bring me. And I’m scared. I’m scared I will never be loved again. Yeah. Yeah. That is a scary dream. When you wake up, you’re loved. You know, you’re on a flight. I mean, let’s say, in a friendly universe, if you want to come to the New Year’s Cleanse, what is the best-case scenario. You’re on your way, on a flight, with one of your favorite songs. What are the words to that song? You are my love; my happiness. OK. So, tell us, turned around, I am: I am my love. And my happiness. And my truth. It’s this. The next time you hear that song, just love the one you’re with. So, sweetheart, the last one. “I don’t ever want to be abandoned. I don’t ever want to be left behind.” OK. So, that could only be an illusion. So, I’m willing to: I’m willing to be abandoned again and I’m willing to be left behind. Yes. Because it helps wake you up to reality. It’s painful. So, I look forward to. . . I look forward to being abandoned. And I look forward to being left behind. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. It has been the best journey of my life. (woman sobbing in audience) Thank you for your honest tears and sound. So, what are you learning? What are your realizing? What are you experiencing as you sit in this beautiful woman’s Work, which belongs to all of us. Yes? Audience member: I came to this Work to survive my story of being abandoned by my husband. Which turns out is entirely not true. And, like, to survive and be happy no matter what, that was it. It was like: No matter what, I’m gonna be happy. And that’s it and this is me hunkering down in order to survive this terribleness. And I see, as the conversation; something happening about vulnerability, is this; it’s entirely not that. It’s not about fight to get happy and survive to get happy. It’s just to be vulnerable and sink into it. And sink into my own arms. It’s a whole different world than what I thought it was. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Audience member #2: I was really moved with the exchange. The flight. Nice to take the flight. Yeah. It was like a door opened around the other’s perception of me. The way you were Working with her, her allowing the perception of him to her. And that’s, sweetheart, that’s what you were allowing. The perception. You were so open to it that we were able to see it this way as well. I’m very grateful for the willingness and openness. Isn’t it just the privilege, as we witnessed her, just sitting. We were all sitting in the presence of truth. Yes. Beautiful. Thank you. Yes. Thank you.