Carmella from Atlanta lost her temper with close friends and made them leave her home. She asks, “How do I get over this without forgiveness and without any accountability from them?” Byron Katie says, “I can be accountable for my part; that’s all that I can do. What I am thinking and believing is what causes my anger, not anything that they said or did.” Katie guides her in meditating on the moment when she was angry, so that she can capture her thoughts on paper, question them, and set herself free. Website: http://www.thework.com Webcasts: http://www.livewithbyronkatie.com Subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/theworkofbk.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theworkofbyr... Twitter: https://twitter.com/ByronKatie © 2016 Byron Katie International, Inc. All rights reserved.
Byron Katie: So, our first caller is Carmella from Atlanta. Hi, Carmella. Hi. Oh, it's so good to see you. Carmella: Good to see you, too. Oh, honey, so, let's; read your mail so we can all get on the same page. OK. This is my question. I really, really lost my temper with a close friend of mine who was staying with me for a while at my home. At the time, I had been out of my house the very night, because I felt like that was what was needing to happen. Look back, I feel I could have handled it better. And I've tried to talk with them about it several times and they will not speak to me. I feel terrible about my part of the conflict, and I'm also frustrated with them because they're not owning their part of the situation. Yeah. So, how do I get over this without my friend's forgiveness, or without any accountability from them? OK. So, my friends; if I get angry at my friends, they don't ever have to be accountable for it. OK. You know the three kinds of business? My business, your business, God's business. OK? So, that would be the god of your understanding. There are only three kinds of business. So, whose business is it. . . What was your word? Accountability. Whose business is your accountability? It's my business. OK. Whose business is their accountability? It's their business. OK. Every time you mentally go into what you cannot change, you're gonna feel it. You're gonna feel resentment, separation, at least. And in my life, it's immediate loneliness. Because I'm out of myself. I'm over their in their business. It just makes sense. Right. So, just noticing that brings me back home so I can be accountable for my part, because that's all I can do. They could resent me forever and tell the world what a monster I am forever. That's on them. I can't change it. That's why it's on them. I can't change it. I have no power to. But I've got power to change myself. The way I do that is I identify what I thinking and believing about them in the middle of that storm, when I was so angry, and put them out. And I would get still, close my eyes, have that Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. OK. I have it. Have it right there. Close my eyes. Meditate on that moment in time. And you've already taken a look at; I heard you say: I feel like I could have done it differently. Right. OK. You had to have already gone back there and looked at it to bring out that kind of wisdom in you. Right. So, you know it's in you. But I cannot. . . Like, if I'm angry at someone and I put them out of my house, I cannot change it. I did it. Done. Now, I know why I did it. I was believing my thoughts. It is nothing that they said or did that caused my anger. It's what I was thinking and believing about them and the past and the future around them staying. It's the thoughts I was thinking and believing about them that caused my anger, not them. Mmm. I see that now. Isn't that powerful? It really is. Now, that's accountability. We go back, we identify those thoughts we were thinking, believing, in the eye of the storm. And then we put those thoughts on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet and then you work them. Every one of them, just like your most beloved child. You sit with every concept, separately, on that Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet and you sit in those 4 questions and turnarounds. And it will leave you accountable for your part. And then the next time you think of them, you'll feel a sense of gratitude that you're not longer angry. That you no longer have to resent them. So, you have a better life because you know how to be accountable. And then, me in that situation, after I've done the Worksheet, when I look at how I react when I was believing those thoughts, I owe a lot of apology. Oh, God, yes. To them. But I don't go into their business. Right. Because they; if they don't apologize for their part, I understand, because they're as stuck in their head as I was stuck in mine. Right. So, just because I set myself free with the truth, my truth, I can't expect them to find the way. Look how many years it's taken us to find our way. I cannot imagine anyone breaking through something like that. I know what guilt is. It's difficult for me to do. Right. So, I stay in my business. I stay accountable. And if I get angry, there's nothing I can do to stop it in the moment. Right. Because I'm believing my thoughts. And so it gets; I get excited about that because I can identify those thoughts later, write them down, and see now what I couldn't see then. It changes my whole world. And it changes the world. People stopped fearing me. Or at least people stopped fearing that I would be angry. And if they do, it's not; if they fear me, that's their business and I understand. They're believing their thoughts. They're not guilty. They're simply believing their thoughts the way that we're all inclined to do when we do. Yes. Yeah, so, you know, I'm really excited about your Worksheet. So, where would you start? It's like: What was the situation? They were staying at my house. My son was working out in his bedroom. And they thought he was making too much noise and they wanted me to make him stop. And I was on the telephone at that moment. And so I wanted them to just wait until I got off the phone. And they started yelling at me. OK. I started yelling back and it went downhill from there. OK. So, let's say I've worked my Worksheet. . . Say that again; I'm sorry. Let's say I have filled in a Worksheet on that and. . . And the situation happens again. OK? So, let's see what I've learned on the other side of that Worksheet. I'm on the phone and you are them. So you say to me what they said to you. Could you make them stop? I'm trying to sleep. Actually, no. Not until I'm off the phone. OK. So, be them. They're angry. It's like: Well, I want you to do it right now. Now! I hear that. No, but really. I want you to do it right now. If you don't, I will. Actually, I'm unable to do that until I hang up this call. No. You do it right now. You know, that sounds like a very good idea. That sounds like a very good idea. So, I go back to my call and I say: I have a situation. I'll call you back. You know; if I'm able to do that. And hang up the phone. OK. So, I need you to leave. And what do you think they would say? What are you talking about? What do you mean? I just asked you to do something and I just want it done right now and I don't understand what the problem is. Yes. I can see that. And I need you to pack everything and leave now. This isn't working out for me. That's good. You know why it's good? It's the truth. Yeah. Everything; well, it's just the truth. Right. And where did I get that truth? I heard it from you. Now, how am I able to be so clear? I'm as clear as you are but you were believing all these thoughts on top of that so it drowns out that clear: I want. I need. They should. They should. Those thoughts on your Worksheet were what was drowning out those simple, peaceful, clear ways of having a really good life. Now, when they leave they could be very hurt, but they're gonna go: Whoa! Now I'm not messing with her. They don't think it out loud, but it's just like there's no way of getting around that woman. She's kind. She's clear. She's respectful. And then in that, I can see my part, if I'm able to see it at all. So, in the presence of your peace, my life begins to shift. It's powerful. One is war. One is peace. Yeah, so I was thinking all kinds of negative: What if they this or that? And getting all riled up. Yes. So, those are the thoughts that belong on paper. And those turnarounds to yourself and to the opposite, you know, they're; to the other; they will show you how to live. And what I love about it is when you fill in that Worksheet, those are your thoughts coming from you, and not a teacher. OK. It's all there. You're the one. OK. OK, my heart. Well, thank you for your email and for our time together and I, hopefully, you know, this conversation will affect a lot of people and thank you for your courage. Thank you. Bye bye.