I am still suffering with the thought that my son, who has a brain tumor, will soon be dead. I think of reasons why that would be good in this friendly universe, like then he, who has never seemed happy to me, will be in more peace. What money I have left will be all mine. I will have no children left to worry about or see in pain or laughter. My other son (whom you did TW on with me back at my first school in Oct 2006) drowned at 18 months. In that School I looked at the worst thing that could happen, that I would lose this other son, and now it is happening. Oh yes, another good thing about the last son dying, he won’t have to watch me get old and die.
When I imagine what it would be without the thought that he will soon be dead, and turn it around, that I will soon be dead, I feel a shift. I think I love him, and I notice I love myself more and it’s myself I’m really concerned about in all this. I want him to be fixed and safe so I will be fixed and safe. And it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen and I’m Working on it happening…with me being fixed and safe.
I do The Work constantly and am getting peaceful off and on. Then I see he is not happy and my resistance to “what is” gives me deep pain.
I notice now that my peacefulness seems to be tied like a stock chart to his state of comfort. When he says “Mom, I’m not worth $1500 a month for chemo” I die. I can’t feel prepared yet for his death. I want to pass onto the other side of this but I don’t yet no how. Thanks for being there, Katie.
Peace and Love,
You do “yet” know how, The Work works when your dear mind is open to “what is next”. You’re not prepared for his death yet, is it true?
It sounds like your not prepared for his LIFE yet, he isn’t dead, he is still living!!!!!! The dead or dying son in your heads image is not your son, it is an image. You are trading your sons life now, for images of death, not your sons life and it is “killing” your time with him and your life with him in joy. He has a right to believe that he is “not worth it”, listen to him, he has a right to his opinion and it doesn’t mean that he isn’t worth everything to you, you can still honor his opinion. You don’t have to agree, your opinion is your business unless you think that his life is not worth $1500. per mo and maybe you don’t sense you don’t believe that he is going to live anyway, and in an odd way it is understandable that the mind would take you there.
I love you JJ, don’t let your unquestioned mind cost you one minute with that darling, dear, dearest son of yours. Is it sadness that you are feeling or love? Isn’t it love, feel it as deeply as you can, let it live in you, allow it, let it cry you, take you over even, its okay, love is all powerful. Don’t confuse feelings that you believe to be sadness with what love feels like, my dearest. I am with you, ask him to hold you for me.
with all of my heart,