Body in Ruins: ” I want my body to liberate itself of the cancer”

In physical pain and at the edge of death from cancer, a singer finds her voice.

Katie: Hi, sweetie! So what’s going on?

Vanessa: Well, body in ruins.

Katie: Body in ruins. Okay. So let’s hear what you’ve written.

Vanessa: I am saddened by my body because it’s giving me such a hard time, because it makes me feel sickness, nausea and pain most of the time. I want my body to liberate itself of the cancer. My body shouldn’t squeeze life out of me anymore. It shouldn’t suffocate me anymore. I need my body to become healthy, allow me to eat normally again. My body is a teacher of how to give up control, it is long-suffering, very weakened, exhausted, doing incredible work, trying very hard to liberate itself of the cancer. I don’t ever want to be so sick, weak, dilapidated, and suffering again.

Katie: So sweetheart, let’s start at the top again.

Vanessa: I am saddened by my body because it’s giving me such a hard time.

Katie: How do you react when you believe that thought—“My body is giving me such a hard time”?

Vanessa: Well, I feel like a victim. I feel like I don’t know how long I can stand it. So it doesn’t really help.

Katie: What does it feel like when you think the thought “I’m a victim”?

Vanessa: I don’t know how to say it. Very squashed. Squashed.

Katie: So “My body is giving me a hard time”—turn it around And where you have “my body” put “my thinking.”

Vanessa: My thinking is giving me a hard time.

Katie: Which one is the more painful or frustrating?

Vanessa: Well, it’s the body one.

Katie: And you have pain pills.

Vanessa: Yes. That’s not really the most painful. It’s because I feel sick to my stomach all the time, like I wanted to vomit all the time.