Winning and Losing in Relationships

The email below was submitted for a Conversation with Byron Katie webcast from A. in Sweden.


Dear Katie,

Sometimes I think that I am stuck in relationships that are no good, for instance when I argue heavily with someone. If things get heated, thoughts like “This is not the type of relationship I want to be in, I am looking for something and someone who can do, better!”

or “This type of argument is reason enough for me to leave!” and usually I storm out, determined never to look back.

When cooled down, I do look back and think that my negative thoughts are probably not true, and that it only takes one person for a happy relationship. I will then do The Work and take responsibility for my part, but it tastes a little bit bitter still, as if I am compromising myself in order to be able to stay and not have to leave the relationship.

Can you please talk a little bit about doing the work with a motive? I find it a bit difficult to make the distinction between “This is another way I deny myself and my integrity,” and “It’s just my thinking there’s something wrong with him.”



Dearest L.,

Are you into winning and losing as a game within yourself? When I win one of those arguments, do I lose an opportunity to Work through my thoughts, or am I teaching myself that freedom comes from winning an argument with myself? “If he really loved me he would….! I would ….!”, or maybe, “If he were really valuable he would ……, wouldn’t …….” “I would ……, wouldn’t ……”

Just because we love someone and have a really good relationship with him doesn’t mean we have to be in a partner kind of mental relationship with him. Don’t you stay in relationship because you want something or because you fear losing something? What is it for you? What you discover in your answers are the motives that are driving you. Your answers, the ones that reveal your motives, may give you a really interesting Worksheet.

Love without choice,

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